Perfect Love Drives Out Fear

I keep getting these surprises, things that scare me, leave me groundless, and make me reflect deep into my spiritual life and the things I love.

During my pregnancy I got a few of these...one was when the doctor performing the ultrasound said that my baby had arrhythmia (irregular heart rhythm). Anything that a doctor says during these moments crushes the spirit and makes us vulnerable and reflective. I remember thinking so many things, worrying so much. I reflected upon what I would do if my baby had something wrong, would I really be strong enough, would God really be sufficient in giving us strength. After going for an echocardiograph exam, the doctor explained that it was a benign arrhythmia that would probably be healed by the end of pregnancy or as soon as he was born. After 2 more of these exams we finally heard his heart beating perfectly!

I had a total of 3 routine pregnancy exams come with wrong results, scaring me and leaving me worried again. I have never seen someone get so many wrong results in so little time!! My doctor couldn't believe it.

And now...another exam to follow up on Tiago's heart came with the words: Atrioventricular Block.

Great. Another worry. At night I woke Tiago up to feed him at 10pm and the desperate expression on his little face for the delicious milk he knew he was about to drink melted my heart...how wonderful and unexplainable is the feeling of satisfying your baby. The look on his face when he finally started eating. Breastfeeding is a gift from God! I just stared at his little face, thinking what I would ever do if anything was to go wrong with him. I felt so much love for him at that moment. Then I thought about God, and the thought came to me that I was His child. Did He look at me like this? Does He have this same feeling when He sees that I am satisfied in Him? Does He feel his heart break when he knows I will have something wrong. And yet He allows it. I hope I am able to love God so much that I understand fully how to look upon my child and know that sometimes pain will make him grow...and allow it. And I hope I love God so much that I understand that He loves me a lot more than I love Tiago, and He knows exactly what He is doing in my life.

"Perfect love drives out fear" (1 John 4:18)

God finally tought me to look at these exams and just trust Him. WHATEVER life may bring, He is in control, and He knows EXACTLY what He is doing.

Obs: Tiago's pediatrician called me today and said that usually this diagnosis is benign, we just have to follow up on it. He said it also depends on the way the doctor interprets the exam. For him, everything looked normal...but obviously for the doctor that interpreted at the lab, he has this block. So he said to go to a pediatric cardiologist just to check up on it.